its amazing how each summer seems to change me. i dunno why im thinking bout this now but i am. summer is just a time to experiment. this summer i decided not to be shy and to be very open about everything. i just thought i wanna see if people will like me when im truly myself and i dont hold back. so i was loud, honest, carefree and experimental. its strange now looking back on that coz in school im so introverted but i have a video from the summer and im so off my head. i did alot of things i look back on and think what the fuck? i used to sit in the middle of the main road just to feel alive. then i met a boy who just came out of nowhere. id never felt so comfortable with a guy. i just let him in completely. its amazing how stupid you can be. like i smoked all of summer and it didnt even occur to me that i was getting addicted. same with this guy, i fell for him so bad that i didnt even realise that i didnt even like him. i look at him now and im like whats wrong with you rebecca?! hes so not my type. hes a closed off guy, hes not confident, cares so much about his image and what people think, he treated me like shit and has no respect for people. the only thing i really like about him is that he was amazing in bed. i cant believe i just opened up to him and let him in. i guess ive learnt so many lessons from it so i dont regret it. i just hate the fact that hes still around judging me for the things i do and giving his opinion. i dont really speak to him anymore but because we have friends in common i get to hear about him.
btw update for those of you who have read my previous posts, if you read this post, i have decided not to smoke and i feel so much better for it. it was definitely the right decision, i really dont need the addiction right now. also if you read this post and this post im really unsure about this boy now. i think im just gonna go with it and not think about it. its just hes really really into me and well i cant even look at him. damn this is the problem with a friends with benefits situation. someone always seems to get hurt and its not gonna be me. i feel abit shit about it but what the fuck else should i do?