you wont find him drinking at the tables, rolling dice or staying out til three you wont ever find him being unfaithful.. you will find him next to me

its amazing how each summer seems to change me. i dunno why im thinking bout this now but i am. summer is just a time to experiment. this summer i decided not to be shy and to be very open about everything. i just thought i wanna see if people will like me when im truly myself and i dont hold back. so i was loud, honest, carefree and experimental. its strange now looking back on that coz in school im so introverted but i have a video from the summer and im so off my head. i did alot of things i look back on and think what the fuck? i used to sit in the middle of the main road just to feel alive. then i met a boy who just came out of nowhere. id never felt so comfortable with a guy. i just let him in completely. its amazing how stupid you can be. like i smoked all of summer and it didnt even occur to me that i was getting addicted. same with this guy, i fell for him so bad that i didnt even realise that i didnt even like him. i look at him now and im like whats wrong with you rebecca?! hes so not my type. hes a closed off guy, hes not confident, cares so much about his image and what people think, he treated me like shit and has no respect for people. the only thing i really like about him is that he was amazing in bed. i cant believe i just opened up to him and let him in. i guess ive learnt so many lessons from it so i dont regret it. i just hate the fact that hes still around judging me for the things i do and giving his opinion. i dont really speak to him anymore but because we have friends in common i get to hear about him.

btw update for those of you who have read my previous posts, if you read this post, i have decided not to smoke and i feel so much better for it. it was definitely the right decision, i really dont need the addiction right now. also if you read this post and this post im really unsure about this boy now. i think im just gonna go with it and not think about it. its just hes really really into me and well i cant even look at him. damn this is the problem with a friends with benefits situation. someone always seems to get hurt and its not gonna be me. i feel abit shit about it but what the fuck else should i do?