youve been the only thing thats right in a lifetime and i can barely look at you but every single time i do i know we'll make it anywhere

i love this last picture. amazingly my smoking addiction just buggered off when the stress kicked in. i very rarely crave cigarettes coz of being ill.

ahh just losing myself in house music 

give me more than i could dream.. i still can't believe that you're right next to me after all that i've done i don't deserve you're love but you give it to me anyway

so i miss skins cue the overload of skins pics. and im craving a cig so of course theyre basically all smoking pics. i was reading my last post and its so funny coz i was talking about the guy who i was pissed off with for not being interested in me anymore, well now im not that interested. im just fed up of the boys round here. id rather smoke.

you wont find him drinking at the tables, rolling dice or staying out til three you wont ever find him being unfaithful.. you will find him next to me

its amazing how each summer seems to change me. i dunno why im thinking bout this now but i am. summer is just a time to experiment. this summer i decided not to be shy and to be very open about everything. i just thought i wanna see if people will like me when im truly myself and i dont hold back. so i was loud, honest, carefree and experimental. its strange now looking back on that coz in school im so introverted but i have a video from the summer and im so off my head. i did alot of things i look back on and think what the fuck? i used to sit in the middle of the main road just to feel alive. then i met a boy who just came out of nowhere. id never felt so comfortable with a guy. i just let him in completely. its amazing how stupid you can be. like i smoked all of summer and it didnt even occur to me that i was getting addicted. same with this guy, i fell for him so bad that i didnt even realise that i didnt even like him. i look at him now and im like whats wrong with you rebecca?! hes so not my type. hes a closed off guy, hes not confident, cares so much about his image and what people think, he treated me like shit and has no respect for people. the only thing i really like about him is that he was amazing in bed. i cant believe i just opened up to him and let him in. i guess ive learnt so many lessons from it so i dont regret it. i just hate the fact that hes still around judging me for the things i do and giving his opinion. i dont really speak to him anymore but because we have friends in common i get to hear about him.

btw update for those of you who have read my previous posts, if you read this post, i have decided not to smoke and i feel so much better for it. it was definitely the right decision, i really dont need the addiction right now. also if you read this post and this post im really unsure about this boy now. i think im just gonna go with it and not think about it. its just hes really really into me and well i cant even look at him. damn this is the problem with a friends with benefits situation. someone always seems to get hurt and its not gonna be me. i feel abit shit about it but what the fuck else should i do?

shut your mouth, cant you hear you talk too loud? no i cant hear nothing cause ive got my head in the clouds

i can feel myself getting addicted again. its sneaking up on me. im supposed to be a social smoker now but i smoke too often to call it that. just found on my phone this old memo, brings back memories:

list of cravings

a run

cigarette

fuck a beautiful boy

get away

not do any work

listen to music

be lazy

sleep in the park

take off my skirt

have another cigarette

i dont wanna go back to that but i dunno if im strong enough to prevent it. i have such an addictive personality, god knows why i started smoking. 

nicotine and coffee are my friends in this fight and you you keep me warm all your cigarettes and coffee it keeps me warm

its no coincidence that about half of these pics are of people smoking. i love smoking and i just see myself as a smoker. i love the feel, the smell, the social aspect, the self destructive side of it, smoking even though my throat kills from smoking too much. for me giving up smoking was so hard coz i have such an addictive personality but im so proud of myself for having the self control to overcome it. i never knew i was so strong. i'll still socially smoke occasionally, especially when im drunk but i know i dont wanna get addicted again. it was scary how much control the addiction had over me and i never want to go back to that. but i still find when im looking through photography im always drawn to the pics of people smoking. i guess i find something beautiful in it.