i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door.. ive had you so many times but somehow i want more

its funny how the music im into reflects my mood. each month i'll make a playlist of all my favourite songs that month, mainly house stuff, and this month its just all really chilled music not much lyrics or anything but like toned down, simple tunes. i guess my life is complicated enough i just want simple music.

ahh im just chilling to the music and getting ready for a truly shit weekend. ahh i love that pic, its the 6th one down and it says 'sometimes the people you expect to kick you when youre down are the ones who help you back up.' i so get that right now. its like the people you expect to be there for you arent and the people you hadnt even thought about turning to actually really help. two random friends messaged me today both out of the blue and you know what its just so nice to chat. im such a sociable person and i feel like the depression tries to suck that out of me but im fighting back! even though all i want is to be alone i know it actually makes me worse.

people tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be

you know why i dont tell people what im really ill with? coz they dont understand. they dont understand what depression even is and lucky them for not knowing. and they kind of blame you for it like you should just look on the positive side of things and it'll all be alright. and thats the worse coz then it makes me start blaming myself for the way i feel. whether its my fault or not doesnt matter, blaming myself makes it so awful. if i cant even trust myself who can i trust?

thats why i loved skins. coz every person on that programme was depressed and were trying to escape. i get it. i want out. i know in 6 weeks time my exams will be over and i'll feel a lot better but until then im just gonna have to find ways to cope. how the fuck am i gonna do an exam?

do you know what i realised? i havent been crying so much. like in the last week i havent been crying every day and when i do cry its not hysterical. things are going well! its good no one reads this blog so i dont feel bad about depressing any readers. 

so he went crazy at 19 so he lost all his self esteem and couldnt understand why he was crying.... he would stare at empty chairs and think of the ghosts that once sat there the ghosts that broke his heart

you know what i feel like im coping now. before i felt out of my depth, like i couldnt deal with all the things that are happening but im feeling more calm. whatever will be will be. yes lifes shit at the moment but i just need to get on with it and find more and more pictures. ahh my life is weheartit and internet shopping at the moment. thats getting me through. and i have an exam on tuesday but we're not talking about that. ahh but i feel good.. well in the limited way a depressed person can feel good but still its a start. 

i know what its like to wanna die, how it hurts to smile, how you try to fit in but you cant, how you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside

so yeah if youve read all these pictures ive posted youll realise im going through a pretty shit time at the moment. ive always found it hard to deal with exams but now coz its my last lot the pressures really on  and i feel so ill from it. on top of that the few friends i used to hang out with have left me. one of best friends just dropped me like that. boys hate me right now.

when i was finding pictures for this post i realised that most of the pictures were in black and white and thats what depression feels like. just emptiness. you forget what its like to be happy and when you do remind yourself of when you used to be happy you just cry because youre so different from that girl. last night i was with some girls and i was laughing and i couldnt remember the last time id really laughed. it was wierd being with people. im all alone everyday all day.

im just writing this and crying. i wish there was something i could take to numb the pain but i have exams i cant indulge like that. i just dont have the time. and fuck antidepressants they just make me worse. im just going au natural.

its hard when everything falls apart at once. both my social life and my school life is horrible. you know what i was remembering the other day.. last summer when i was with this boy and he just made me feel so carefree and whole and safe. i havent felt that in a long long time. i miss people giving a shit about me. i just want something to start going right. anything. but im gonna get my hopes up coz its got worse even when i thought it couldnt.