but if you stay, girl if you stay youll probably leave later anyway its love made in the usa

hmm so i got disgustingly drunk the other night. i suffered from the hangover from hell yesterday but the thing thats really bothering is the things i said coz my memory of everything that night is a bit fuzzy but i have this one memory that is bothering me. i dont remember how this conversation started but all i remember is this; lying on a sofa, speaking to a guy whos name i hardly know:

me: but have you had sex?

him: no

me: has a girl ever given you head?

him: no

me: (really loudly and adamently) well then you wouldnt know, would you..

wtf was i going on about?! what wouldnt he know?! im just scared what the rest of this conversation was coz i dont really know this kid. whatever. i am never drinking like that again. drinking is really not my thing. my bodys way too sensitive.

and ive done fuck all homework. im dreading school on monday

one day im gonna write really positive posts. just read this through and its so depressing. well im not gonna make up shit. i want this blog to be a place where i can tell things as they are and not have to censor myself or be interesting. i just want it to be an outlet for how im feeling.  

all i could ever be to you is the darkness that we knew and this regret ive got accustomed to

Velvet November 2011 from WM Artist Management on Vimeo.

so im currently getting inspired by photography. i love pictures that take my breath away or remind me of good and bad times. im just collecting lots of beautiful photos but im not really saving the photographer names. i think its unimportant coz i just wanna share beautiful things x

if i could make you mine id go wherever you will go

the problem with this blog is i havent decided what it is gonna be about. so im reading other blogs until i hit some inspiration. maybe it will be a music blog but id love to make it more personal. i just dont know what it could potentially be about. and since no one is reading this yet i cant even ask you readers to decide! so im currently following an amazingly written blog of an escort and i just read the most beautiful section of one of her posts:
I was and still am heartbroken from my last real relationship. I put on a brave face and say I’m over it but the truth is I’m not. I gave all of myself and became extremely vulnerable and content. I loved like I was never going to get hurt. While I held onto the sadness for a very long time I am now angry and resentful. Angry at him for everything, from allowing me to fall in love with him, loving me back, making me feel special and safe, ripping it right out from underneath me and then finally, being able to move on so easily. I wish he would have just had shot me in my heart. It would have been less painful.
Then of course there is the anger I feel towards myself. For allowing myself to be that vulnerable, that weak, for letting a man have that much control over me and my emotions. It’s not just this business that keeps me from meeting someone special… it is ME. I’m a disaster emotionally. I might as well have orange cones all around me. This anger and resentment that I have inside me is what keeps me plowing through the life I live now. I simply cannot and will not allow myself to become vulnerable… weak.
love can really fuck up your life and change you. the way she wrote that is so raw and real. so check out her blog here. even though no one is reading this im gonna have to pretend i have an audience. like a child with imaginary friends. check me out!!