when youre feeling down and your sky is grey and the people that you love well they have nothing lovely to say..

this is such a random load of pictures but i like them. ah how could i resist some skins pics?! 

we had to learn how to bend without the world caving in

ahh its so tempting to get a tattoo but i know i'll regret it coz my taste changes so quickly so i'll love something one minute and find it amazing and then after abit i wont love it too much so i just know any design i get i wont like after a bit. haha just listening to 212 by azealia banks on the radio and you can hardly hear the lyrics coz its had to be censored so much. ahh its a good song.

made myself do 4 and half hours of studying and only got through like 45 pages. after every paragraph i needed a break. its so hard to work coz it makes me feel ill so its hard to work, its like having to hurt myself. i know as soon as i stop i'll feel better so its hard to keep at it when my concentration is so bad and i feel sick, dizzy and jumpy and nervous all the time while i work.

im so fed up of the fact that im gonna do bad in my exams coz i cant deal with the pressure. but hey at least my depression isnt so bad atm. i might go away this weekend that should help abit. 

i drove for miles and miles and wound up at your door.. ive had you so many times but somehow i want more

its funny how the music im into reflects my mood. each month i'll make a playlist of all my favourite songs that month, mainly house stuff, and this month its just all really chilled music not much lyrics or anything but like toned down, simple tunes. i guess my life is complicated enough i just want simple music.

ahh im just chilling to the music and getting ready for a truly shit weekend. ahh i love that pic, its the 6th one down and it says 'sometimes the people you expect to kick you when youre down are the ones who help you back up.' i so get that right now. its like the people you expect to be there for you arent and the people you hadnt even thought about turning to actually really help. two random friends messaged me today both out of the blue and you know what its just so nice to chat. im such a sociable person and i feel like the depression tries to suck that out of me but im fighting back! even though all i want is to be alone i know it actually makes me worse.

people tell you who they are but we ignore it because we want them to be who we want them to be

you know why i dont tell people what im really ill with? coz they dont understand. they dont understand what depression even is and lucky them for not knowing. and they kind of blame you for it like you should just look on the positive side of things and it'll all be alright. and thats the worse coz then it makes me start blaming myself for the way i feel. whether its my fault or not doesnt matter, blaming myself makes it so awful. if i cant even trust myself who can i trust?

thats why i loved skins. coz every person on that programme was depressed and were trying to escape. i get it. i want out. i know in 6 weeks time my exams will be over and i'll feel a lot better but until then im just gonna have to find ways to cope. how the fuck am i gonna do an exam?

do you know what i realised? i havent been crying so much. like in the last week i havent been crying every day and when i do cry its not hysterical. things are going well! its good no one reads this blog so i dont feel bad about depressing any readers.